The Costs of Helping
Helping others is usually seen as a good thing. Whether you’re a manager stepping in to guide a team member or helping a peer with a project, helping feels like the right thing to do. But what if that help, however well-intended, creates tension, resentment, or dysfunction?
It happens more often than we think.
In many teams, especially fast-paced or mission-driven ones, “help” can take the form of overstepping by offering solutions, fixing, or rescuing by taking over, or inserting oneself into areas best left alone. When a manager constantly steps in to “fix” difficult situations for employees, it can undermine the employee’s confidence and sense of ownership. When a team member frequently “takes initiative” to move a project along, it can unintentionally signal competition or a lack of trust or respect for others’ contributions.
Here’s the hard truth: not all help is helpful.
The Intent-Impact Gap
One of the most common sources of conflict is the gap between what someone intended and how their actions were experienced.
You might intend your help to be supportive. But your teammate might experience your help as intrusive, offensive, or controlling. Offering your experience or a solution without being asked can feel like one-upping or an insult. You might see yourself as “just trying to move things forward.” But others may see you as pushing past boundaries or undermining decisions that weren't yours to make.
Managers are especially susceptible to this. The instinct to jump in and solve problems is strong when you care deeply about results and your team. But over-helping can rob others of the chance to develop, learn, or even fail forward. It can also create dependency or resentment.
This kind of helping behavior often comes from a place of anxiety, impatience, or at worst, ego. We want to feel useful, avoid mistakes, and keep things moving. And sometimes we over-value those things. Those motivations can create long-term damage to trust, autonomy, and collaboration with others and your reputation and relationships.
Another dangerous motivation for unsolicited help is our desire to avoid uncomfortable or hard conversations. We prioritize our discomfort and avoid the hard coaching discussion by jumping in and doing the work instead of setting expectations and practicing accountability.
So how do you know when to help and when to hold back? Here are three questions to ask yourself before stepping in:
Do they want my help? Unsolicited help, even when well-intentioned, can land as criticism or control.
Am I helping them or for me? Is your assistance truly in service of the other person’s growth or is it about your need for control, satisfaction, or speed?
Will this help build capability or create dependency? The best help enables others to solve their own problems more effectively in the future.
As a manager or teammate, the goal isn’t to stop helping. It’s to help in a way that empowers others not rescues, insults, or overrides them.
Because in a productive workplace autonomy is respected and even help has boundaries.